Terri Paella Piñata
@terrip38
Gen X latchkey kid. Caution: Alleged jokes ahead.
Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.
If you like a person to show up and block the kitchen sink every time you’re using it, you may want to consider getting married
Do I have a type, or do I just keep dating people who look like they’d ruin my credit score?
I used to think the letter next to “sex” on your ID meant you either failed or were medium at it
you can’t hurt me. you’re not my pants pocket somehow snagging on the door handle for the third time today
I’m in a group text with 20 other cheer moms so I don’t have time for any of your problems.
why do I need to do two-factor authorization to access my student loans. if someone wants to log in and pay them they can have at it
I should just start introducing myself as the one with the smudged mascara.
The hardest part of clown college was studying for the driver's test. We really had to cram.
When my son went off to college I told him to be sure and buy HE detergent for the dorm laundry and he said, “Ok, one for boys?”
At this point I just assume every celebrity that is trending has died.
Nutritionist: You are what you eat. Me: Then I must taste pretty delicious.
Contrary to what my taste in music would have you believe, I don’t actually do drugs.
Looking at my kid's long eyelashes like maybe he's born with it, maybe it's my husband's genes
On a scale of 1 to 10, how terrifying are you before the coffee kicks in?