jan

Scents of my summer Roses blooming in the garden, sunscreen on my skin, rum spilled on my shirt.

Going camping this weekend and I don’t know how to explain to my family that yes, I need to sleep with 6 pillows.

I’d rather wait on something that’s never going to happen than be dissatisfied by something I’m pretty sure could

WARNING **This tweet is not dumb enough to go viral**

Life doesn't last that long But the ache lasts forever...

Nostalgia splashing on everyone!

C U Next Time!

Me: But how do I... Kid: Just give me your phone

When I said I was in my feral era, I meant Will Ferrell.

I don’t remember any of this shit being on an episode of The Facts of Life.

Just got done watching Lady & the Tramp with 3. Aunt Sara can eat a dick. I wouldn't let her watch my pet rock.

If I let you into my life, it's because you're either a really good friend or you have really good snacks.

Interviewer: What's your greatest weakness? Me: Showing up for work.

Do you like Coldplay? *me flirting

My apologies, madam. If I had known you were such a weird and crazy woman I would have followed you back immediately.

"Everything in moderation", is seemingly referencing you liking my tweets.

In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren't around.

Nothing makes you feel older than your kid asking what a fax machine is.

I just explained to an intern that they're called shots because they used to trade bullets for booze in the old west and fuck I'm old.

husband: you should get out more me: *goes to Target* husband: not like that

Standing desk usage so far: time sitting: 90% time standing: 5% time accidentally hitting the button that makes it go up and down: 117%