meghan

me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture

Going camping this weekend and I don’t know how to explain to my family that yes, I need to sleep with 6 pillows.

Standing desk usage so far: time sitting: 90% time standing: 5% time accidentally hitting the button that makes it go up and down: 117%

if loving Matthew McConaughey is wrong then i’m alright alright alright

I thought my car’s headlights were off but it turns out they just need cataract surgery.

can't, too healthy to be a forensick investigator.

Hell is an all-you-can-eat buffet of circus peanuts.

husband: you should get out more me: *goes to Target* husband: not like that

"Well, congrats you are totally fixed" *Me, as your therapist / sick of your bullshit

I just want to lose an hour or ten in a really good bookstore

Have you tried ibuprofening it?

Girls will be like “I’m in a really good place right now“ and they’re in the candle aisle at Target.

Im holding all the cards. Unfortunately, we're playing Uno.

Yeah well can AI get tipsy, blast showtunes, and clean the kitchen? Because if it can, we should be friends

An intervention but it’s just my browser restarting and asking if I want to reopen ALL tabs

If I won the lottery, I wouldn't tell anyone but there would be signs (walk-in cheese fridge)

It's impossible to find a birthday card for a 10yo boy from a 10yo boy -- why don't they have one that just says "bro happy birthday bro".