Jennifer Parker

My 5yo was bragging to his brother about how he does the highest flips on the trampoline. I’m not sure where he gets his need to be better than other people, but he’s mistaken because I’m the highest flipper.

*takes a pic of watermelons at the store* *asks chatgpt to pick the best one*

I was in a pool and my kids had to ruin it by standing on the side and whining. Then my wife started complaining about me, claiming “I asked you to watch them” and “Not sit in their kiddie pool in our backyard and drink scotch”.

Today my therapist did a mindfulness exercise with me to help me quiet my brain and instead of focusing on my breathing I thought about how funny it would be if I just started screaming. Anyway I laughed through the entire exercise so I’m pretty sure we won’t be doing that again.

Why are my earbuds suddenly loose?!? Have I finally lost that stubborn ear fat???

Any other parents surviving their kids’ KPop Demon Hunters soundtrack era?

This that heat Ace Ventura felt inside that rhinoceros.

Things went well until the evil supermarket people hid my favorite products in new places

An intervention but it’s just my browser restarting and asking if I want to reopen ALL tabs

If I won the lottery, I wouldn't tell anyone but there would be signs (walk-in cheese fridge)

I just explained to an intern that they're called shots because they used to trade bullets for booze in the old west and fuck I'm old.

It's impossible to find a birthday card for a 10yo boy from a 10yo boy -- why don't they have one that just says "bro happy birthday bro".

Last minute gate changes are one thing but terminal changes just don’t fly. And as a result neither will some uninformed passengers.

husband: you should get out more me: *goes to Target* husband: not like that

Ozzy Osbourne proved that eyeliner, passion, and just a little chaos can take you all the way to legend status.

I never play chicken with anyone unless I’m absolutely positive that I’m more crazy than they are.

Is there a rehab for introverts who try to extrovert? Asking for a friend.

No YOU just repeatedly tugged on the car door handle for five minutes before realizing it wasn't unlocking because it wasn't your car.

Nothing makes you feel older than your kid asking what a fax machine is.

I’m never more suspicious than when something works first time.

The most liberating day of my life was when I figured out I didn’t have to finish a book just because I’d started it.