Darla

A woman's hearing intensifies as a natural response to a man muttering under his breath.

I never play chicken with anyone unless I’m absolutely positive that I’m more crazy than they are.

I don’t even believe myself when I say I’ll be ready in 15 minutes.

All of the feelings, none of the words.

The moon has favorites.

I always feel like I make people’s lives better —then I realize I’m just delusional.

I’m white, but not, have an above ground swimming pool, white.

One man’s Slight Detour is another man’s One Way Ticket To Crazytown.

. Good Morning Grove Of The Low-Hanging Fruit Twitterverse

Ozzy Osbourne has mumbled through entire sentences, and I still understood him better than most of my exes.

Are you upset about the impending ban of brominated vegetable oil, bro? Apparently, our oil will no longer be bros with us, bro.

I just spilled a bottled water at my desk all over my important work papers but it’s okay, nothing spilled on my phone.

You look like the type of person who has a button under their desk.

Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.

Hear me out, a help desk for old married men...

We're all struggling, even people who say they're fine.

I'm either quiet or I'm a yapper. There's no in between.

find a job where you don’t have to work a day and you’ll never have to work a day in your life

for $3 a month i will comment “derp” on random photos of your ex

i just dropped the dime on this old lady who asked for a cup of water and then got herself a fountain drink and i’ve never felt so alive

i’m def the most gangsta mf up in this Taco Bell drinking a Strawberry Starburst slushie