Hollie Harris

*walking into someone's house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere* Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.

Some days, he's my soul mate. Others, it's more like he's my cell mate.

Today my therapist did a mindfulness exercise with me to help me quiet my brain and instead of focusing on my breathing I thought about how funny it would be if I just started screaming. Anyway I laughed through the entire exercise so I’m pretty sure we won’t be doing that again.

Who needs therapy when we’ve got AI videos of baby peacocks.

Things That Piss Me Off: 🔘Public whistlers

my wife asked me to pick up a thing at the store so i spent an hour not finding it at a sports bar having chicken wings and beer

Latest reason for feeling old on vacation - my bathing suit bottom covers more than 6% of my buttcheeks

10yo: mommy look! her, driving: can't see what you're pointing at back there. him: oh, thought you said you had eyes in the back your head. her:

I was in a pool and my kids had to ruin it by standing on the side and whining. Then my wife started complaining about me, claiming “I asked you to watch them” and “Not sit in their kiddie pool in our backyard and drink scotch”.

Ok, satnav for flies - so they can find their way back out again.

I thought my car’s headlights were off but it turns out they just need cataract surgery.

If I tell you I'm in a really good place right now, I'm probably in a chocolate factory.

Oxford comma? Nuh.. Athens coma is where it's at

The moon rises pretty fast. If you don’t chain yourself up by sundown, you might eat your neighbor. -Ferris Bueller, wolf edition, probably

Standing desk usage so far: time sitting: 90% time standing: 5% time accidentally hitting the button that makes it go up and down: 117%

I run on coffee and feistiness

Girls will be like “I’m in a really good place right now“ and they’re in the candle aisle at Target.

You really can't judge a person based on a single restraining order.

I never play chicken with anyone unless I’m absolutely positive that I’m more crazy than they are.

Any of you women want to take my husband to a Coldplay concert?

miners be like "i call digs"