krista

I’m glad I got married and had kids so I could always be surrounded by people who can’t find anything.

Pictures on my phone of my dog sleeping: 🥹 Pictures on my dog’s phone of me sleeping: 😳

Maybe she’s beautiful, maybe she remembered to sign up for plates and napkins at her kid’s school this year.

A day late AND a dollar short? In this econo-- Actually, I guess that tracks.

And in the sober light of day, let's maybe not.

Some days I deeply regret my education.

Today was successful. None of my feelings turned into felonies.

sorry I can’t go, I’m going outside to play

I will stop overthinking when my tattoos wash off.

I wish turning into my mother burned more calories

Any of you women want to take my husband to a Coldplay concert?

We talk so weird in the south cuz we're warped from the humidity.

I'm at my wits' middle

No apology needed when healing is the goal.

Your love of cottage cheese is killing this relationship.

Master the art of being unbothered.

My therapist said I need to 'find inner peace,' but she clearly meant 'inner piece of cheese.' Gotta say she knows me well

Sometimes a sneeze feels awesome and other times it makes you want to google “Has a sneeze ever killed someone?”

An intervention but it’s just my browser restarting and asking if I want to reopen ALL tabs

Adding a thousand more tweets to my bookmarks will fix me

For a Prince of Darkness, Ozzy provided a lot of light. Rest in peace