Joji 🍋

I found out my husband was cheating on me at a Linkin Park concert. We tried so hard and got so far but, in the end, it didn’t even matter.

he wants my breakfast so bad but he’s sleepy 😂

Everytime I drive by cows, I say ‘cows!!’

*sitting and folding clothes* 8yo: You're doing laundry again? You must really love doing laundry.

I have a meeting with HR in 30 minutes and I’m not even a CEO, I don’t get it.

if i say “it’s fine” and we both know i’m lying you’re legally obligated to let me pretend it’s fine so i don’t start crying

10 years ago, I put my phone on silent and never looked back.

The blood on the gums means you did a good job brushing

I feel so used when I wake up before the alarm.

In the 1800s, a lock of hair meant devotion. I gave one to the Uber driver, and he recoiled. Guess romance is dead.

My purse ibuprofen hits better than my house ibuprofen.

Crunchy peanut butter exists because someone got lazy.

hey (with the intention of locking eyes over a rotisserie chicken)

can you wait a bit? I'm still being created

Chat GPT should throw in random fart jokes to see if you're paying attention

her: hey babe do you want me to DoorDash anything for you me: no but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night her: I dunno why I agreed to date you

babe you’re acting like enjoying a piece of toast in the shower is a weird thing

me: *starts coffee maker* me: *2 minutes later* what's that noise

HR said I can only sweep the leg as a last resort in the workplace from now on

Friend: "You strike me as an entomologist." Me: "I would never strike you." [I've been watching a lot of Groucho Marx videos lately.]

I love that my dishwasher sings to me when it’s finished its cycle