Daddy Go Fish
@daddygofish
Warning: alcohol leads to kids which leads to lots more alcohol.
My wife had a dream that I have a secret second wife named Linda. Now when she's mad at me I just say "Linda wouldn't get mad about that."
I was raised on hose water and old fashioned whoopings and I can tell you for a fact that I did not grow up okay.
my wife asked me to pick up a thing at the store so i spent an hour not finding it at a sports bar having chicken wings and beer
10yo: mommy look! her, driving: can't see what you're pointing at back there. him: oh, thought you said you had eyes in the back your head. her:
I'm heading to the beach without a beach body, so I shall display all of my back fat to the world
You really can't judge a person based on a single restraining order.
Someone parked in my usual spot at the grocery store and I’m considering leaving them a note.
When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
Introduced myself to the new neighbors by backing over their trash can and passing out in their front yard, so they can get to know the real me early on
rival dad and I are now actual rivals after getting the sheriff involved today. Please give me wrong answers only for how to handle living next to him now.
If I tell you I'm in a really good place right now, I'm probably in a chocolate factory.
i'm sorry national geographic bought your sex tape before anyone else.
*takes a pic of watermelons at the store* *asks chatgpt to pick the best one*
Any other parents surviving their kids’ KPop Demon Hunters soundtrack era?
I thought my car’s headlights were off but it turns out they just need cataract surgery.
Hell is an all-you-can-eat buffet of circus peanuts.
Standing desk usage so far: time sitting: 90% time standing: 5% time accidentally hitting the button that makes it go up and down: 117%
if loving Matthew McConaughey is wrong then i’m alright alright alright
My terrible twos really set the tone for the rest of my life