Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸
@mahnamematt
Dad. Husband. Veteran. Coffee. Baseball. Memphis.- -Best ⬇️ - latest ➡️ https://twitter.com/search/from:mahnamematt(exclude:replies)
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
I've slept 0 days without a sleeping accident resulting in a hurt body part.
🎵 She's a good girl Loves pajamas Loves Cheezits and Bo Derek too She's a good girl crazy 'bout her pelvis Loves corsets and her soybeans too 🎵
This that heat Ace Ventura felt inside that rhinoceros.
If he doesn’t call you at least 3 times from the grocery store, are you even married?
Today started with me squatting under a chiller to wash coils and tearing a piece of insulation in the process that resulted in 45 degree water being dumped down the crack of my ass welcome to my life.
The longer you’re married the more difficult it is to distinguish if it’s true love or Stockholm Syndrome.
It never fails that my kids need something the moment I’m fighting for my life trying to get out of a wet bathing suit.
There are pieces of me that are now ghosts, haunting the shadows of my soul.
I’m ‘my mom gave me money and a note to buy her cigarettes when I was under the age of 10’ years old
We've all been there* *shamefully belting out Nickelback songs when we're by ourselves
🎶You're worng, you're wrong You take them both and there you have the facts of wife The facts of wife🎶
At least three of the seven dwarfs could have their behaviors explained by seasonal allergies.
Not to brag but I can go to sleep at 10pm and sleep until 11am and wake up feeling fine.
sometimes I just want to delete all social media. I don't think I'd actually do it but is this just a millennial urge? Are we burnt out?
Is it lost or is it *in the house somewhere* lost?
I told my kid this morning that I couldn’t believe he was already 7 and that he was getting so big. He said, and I quote, “I can’t believe you’re already 38 and getting so big too.”