My Life As Dad

My 6yo was upset this morning but refused to talk about it. As she was being dropped off at school, she decided to speak up by saying and I quote, “I go to school too much, and it bothers me.”

After 8 years of tapping my phone all the FBI got was 579 recordings of me ordering a pepperoni pizza.

I was in a pool and my kids had to ruin it by standing on the side and whining. Then my wife started complaining about me, claiming “I asked you to watch them” and “Not sit in their kiddie pool in our backyard and drink scotch”.

Why do short people even step outside? Why not just stay home?

They say pizza is just as good the next day, I say it's not worth the risk

You really can't judge a person based on a single restraining order.

i don't say much, but when i do, my therapist levels up.

I thought my car’s headlights were off but it turns out they just need cataract surgery.

I never play chicken with anyone unless I’m absolutely positive that I’m more crazy than they are.

Hell is an all-you-can-eat buffet of circus peanuts.

Oxford comma? Nuh.. Athens coma is where it's at

If I tell you I'm in a really good place right now, I'm probably in a chocolate factory.

If you're gonna be an asshole today, be THE BEST goddamn asshole you can be!

I've couples skated to 🎶War Pigs.

You are not obligated to grant others access to you.

The Target self-checkout camera: Psssst… look up. Me: *looks up* Oh god.

My kids came in the living saying, "There's a Phoenix saying bad words and insults" to them. I needed proof and they showed me this, so I guess I'm about to have some words with a Phoenix now...