Benny Boy

I’m rooting for the asteroid to be perfectly honest.

healthy love is a man gently helping you unlearn every weird little thing you picked up from being loved badly. with snacks.

I'll be at the Improv Comedy Club tonight. Whipping batteries at people

Horses drink chardonneigh. This is why I don't post anymore.

If Ozzy resurrects himself in three days I’m gonna lose my shit.

Sometimes a sneeze feels awesome and other times it makes you want to google “Has a sneeze ever killed someone?”

ratatouille is hilarious cause the villain wasn't even evil he just didn't want food cooked by rats?!? 😭

Going running for the first time today How do you start it? Do you just randomly take off or

The Tour De France will be in France this year for the 112th time in a row, which means Ohio’s bid was shot down once again.

Sorry for late notice, but bedtime is in 5 minutes! Wrap up all your bullshit.

I love watching shitty movies I don’t have to pay attention to.

Ozzy, is that you?

kiss her soul to soul or don't even bother

Things went well until the evil supermarket people hid my favorite products in new places

My favorite app to scroll is Venmo because why is Bill making his wife pay him back for her Starbucks coffee?

come on dummy, we’re running away *yes i have weed and will buy you snacks

Old people knocking on watermelons will never not be funny to me.

I’m having another great day. This is bullshit.

Have you ever been cuddling, and it just doesn't feel like enough? Like, I want to burrow under your skin and be a part of you forever. No? Just me?

WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas. ME: {drinking toast} Why?

Rest in peace, Prince of Darkness.