Suki

Read me smut and feed me tater tots.

I look normal, but I talk to dogs like they'll respond in people talk.

“I wanna know what you’re thinking”, dude it’s like a kitchen junk drawer in there, no you don’t

How many throat clears before you can savagely beat your coworker with an office chair?

If I won the lottery, I wouldn't tell anyone but there would be signs (walk-in cheese fridge)

I’m in a group text with 20 other cheer moms so I don’t have time for any of your problems.

sometimes, silence haunts you and comforts you at the same time..

my moral compass points towards kfc.

Ever think to yourself “how is this my life” then eat five pounds of gummy bears?

Does anyone know when shart week starts?

We switched to decaf because hubby's stomach can't handle regular coffee... My funeral will be this Saturday at 2 pm. In lieu of flowers please send caffine.

For more tips, follow me around this diner and just swipe the cash left on the tables.

Pro tip: You can totally hate the player AND the game

Told my therapist I've been hearing voices. She told me I don't have a therapist.

Any of you women want to take my husband to a Coldplay concert?

What have you been up to? Me: Oh, you know… just running with the night…playing in the shadows.

“Go big or go home”. Me: Home. I want to go home.

I don’t remember any of this shit being on an episode of The Facts of Life.

A lobotomy is starting to sound pretty relaxing.

Me: So I already pay for this. Do you have the movie I want to watch? Streaming App: Yes, but only if you pay extra to watch it!

I would try your meatloaf.