Ghostface Kryllah

Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash

That drum solo from In the Air Tonight, but it’s me just slapping my tummy waiting for the microwave to beep.

The feminine urge to listen to sad music not because you’re sad but to become sad on purpose

Having a good beard day.

I suck at flirting. I be like “is that so?”

The sluttiest thing a woman can do is heal from your bullshit

feeling discombobulated? have you tried recombobulating?

me: well I just got mugged violently. starbucks employee: sir all you did was pay for your coffee me: SAME THING

I'm hooked on both a feeling and Phonics.

It's Friday. Try not to die.

“I wanna know what you’re thinking”, dude it’s like a kitchen junk drawer in there, no you don’t

Me answering phone: didn’t I just talk to you yesterday?

Everyone shut up. Who framed Roger Rabbit is on.

People who speak loudly on their phones in public weren’t hugged enough as children

I'm not drunk... i'm tipsy adjacent

i found a portal. you should come *spreads legs*

All down escalators should just be replaced with slides.

It would be so cool if they could invent other people that aren’t so damn annoying all the time.

bf: *gets wisdom teeth out* me: (nervously): that’s not where your love for me was stored, was it?

Not trying to hate on talkative people but please shut the fuck up.

Welcome to your 40s. A random back pain will be assigned to you shortly and you'll never know what flares it up every time.