Ghostface Kryllah

Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash

When I was growing up I really wanted to be a lawyer until i realized I can’t have an argument without bursting into tears

It's me and my ever-growing following of sex bots against the world

But what if I don't want someone that's good for me.

I don’t know how to explain it but Dave Matthews is like the Mercury in Retrograde of music

things I say to the dog and/or my bf • you so cute • just look at that face, you’re perfect • stop rubbing your butt on that

“shark infested waters”..... you mean their home????😭

Can't. My fucking mind is racing through calculations of fucking probability to determine a fucking path forward constantly

Not to brag but the folks at the gangbang loved my train whistle.

I'm not allowing anymore celebrity deaths for the remainder of the year. Thanks.

Are you mad or big mad?

It’s always a huge relief when I’m reading a list of symptoms of a deadly disease and it says unexplained weight loss.

new yorker accent: “hey, watch it. im yearning here!”

my fiancé just got his wisdom teeth out so I’m gonna do it too 🫶🏼 we love doing things together

Tough week to be a white boy.

Can't tell if you're actually funny and smart or I just wanna sleep with you.

Use every day as a new opportunity to screw up something that’s working perfectly fine.

you can’t hurt me. you’re not my pants pocket somehow snagging on the door handle for the third time today

What’s the name of that 90’s romantic comedy movie where the guy runs frantically through an airport to stop the love of his life from getting on an airplane?

send this to your ex

Would you like a little despair with that heat, sir? Satan's recipe!