Tony P.

Hey guys who says “We’re pregnant” dude you’re not and never will be so just shut the fuck up.

Everyone going through airport security no longer required to take off their shoes - this is good because OMG P.U.!!!

I've couples skated to 🎶War Pigs.

I don’t care for small talk. I prefer awkward silence.

Him: what are you wearing? Me: my dislike for this boring unoriginal question.

Hang in there, at some point the fucks you give will be appreciated. Just kidding, no they won’t.

Boxed wine is just a gateway to living in a 1 bedroom apartment with 10 cats and collecting cow figurines

If I had a time machine the first thing I would do is go back to the 90’s and kick myself in the nuts for wearing white Guess jeans while trying to do the Macarena.

this pesky little thing called time needs to slow tf down, like, yesterday.

He's a 10 but he says delulu, friyay and cray cray.

I have never met a ferret owner that isn't creepy as fuck.

Remember when people used to hang Magic Eye pictures in their homes like they were artwork? That was weird.

Sometime in the middle of the month of April in 1994, the number of rainsticks sold at American malls reached its zenith.

They just don't put milkshakes in the yard like they used too.

I've got underwear older than my marriage.

It’s crazy that music is the only thing in our lives. People come and go, friends come and go. But music is always there.

My favorite Oceans ~ 1) Atlantic 2) Pacific 3) Gulf 4) Indian 5) Billy

No one told me being an adult would involve this much looking for a place to sit

I looked all over but I can’t find my bank card or sanity anywhere

I just had to fucking throw away a favorite T-shirt I've been wearing 30 fucking years so don't tell me about fucking problems