Idunno

Had a dream about you. You ignored me there too

Cupping my own balls for emotional safety

I mean I could just make better decisions, but what are the chances of that?

If I was a lawyer I'd say..."in exchange for a full release..." and wink

Love bombing? I’ve never even been love water ballooned

There’s a go fuck yourself in every for your info.

Things went well until the evil supermarket people hid my favorite products in new places

Ozzy Osbourne has mumbled through entire sentences, and I still understood him better than most of my exes.

What makes a person want to be on an HOA board

Talking to me is hard work because I listen, and also remember.

I think I just got tricked into watching the Robbie Williams movie because he's a monkey

men, why do you own a sword but no paper towels

old people get so mad when you’re young and tired

PSA: autocorrect changes slurpees to slurped, making things uncomfortable when you ask someone if they want to go to 711 and get slurped

8 AM me wonders wtf 5 PM me did with my desk chair adjustment

Treat me like a rare bird sighting: be silent so you don’t scare it off

I don’t really know what that means but it sounds sexy.

I’m an empath so when my tweet gets zero likes I just really try to empathize with those who can’t appreciate my wit.

Why do men love putting their bed in the corner of the bedroom?

I need a day off from myself.

Not to brag, but I'm pretty forgettable.