vapid ally

My friend’s been trying to convince me to try a dating app, but I guess I’d just rather meet my murderer organically.

sorry I’m late, I encountered a tiny beetle that was stuck on its back and was helping it to roll over

im at the dog park and i cant find you bro

microdosing having a life by not tweeting for 8 hours

All the wrong people hate themselves.

We all are rebellious in our own way.

I’ve observed that very few of you follow me and I must say, it seems like an on oversight your part.

Be the reason he checks his brake lines in the morning.

The Care and Feeding of Your Inner Demon

i don't know who needs to hear this but attention to detail matters

(Covered head to toe with fire ants) it's laundry day

I’m in the circle of no life

Rubbing Icy Hot on each other like we’re newlyweds.

Weeks can be ranked by how far you can get into it before reaching the day you wake up like ‘not this shit again’

Me on grocery store intercom: I’d like to warn the other shoppers that there’s a hugger on aisle five

*zooms in on your bookshelf*

(takes brain out and points at it) what the fuck is your problem buddy

Wanna exchange belly rubs?

i'd let you sharpen my knives

We ended up spending the entire date talking about ourselves in third person.

I lived, laughed, loved one time. Never again.