Slim Plimsoll

Nothing says ‘fuck you’ quite like the thumbs-up emoji.

Absence doesn’t make the heart grow fonder. It never did.

The goal is to tweet until there’s nobody left.

guys b like “you’ve been different ever since i disrespected you”

Waxing only my right butt cheek

what are the chances you wake up with an entire black swan stuffed up your rectum.

synchronized cumming should be an olympic sport

what’s it called when you’re very smart but can’t remember anything and know literally nothing

I could have been somebody if I didn’t have a head like a pumpkin.

I wish turning into my mother burned more calories

Cross the fires of borrowed wisdom, and you are in the sanctum of private truth, grand as the sea and the sky combined.

I’m childish and egotistical enough to be annoyed when the top reply on my tweet is someone who didn’t get the joke, but not disturbed enough to hide it.

She got upset because of your ACTIONS. You got upset because of her REACTION to your actions. That’s not the same.

ignore your feelings of unease and watch the shadows within shadows as i prepare you a hot pocket

Gonna start booing conversations I don’t care about

Men microdose bicuriousness by asking what you’d do for a million dollars

I may not know everything, but I know you don't Google how to kill someone before you kill someone.

Aging is just people telling each other "20 is so young" "34 is so young" "52 is so young" until you die

All good art comes from vitamin d deficiency

Most of my early memories are of being a puppy