Hoss

Not my circus but the monkey looks familiar.

Carpet Dime! Go out there and pick up that loose change from the floor!

The older I get the more I love my morning coffee and no one speaking to me.

Out of all the voices in my head, the women voices are the worst... so catty.

Alright who puddinged in my bread?

“This was swimming just an hour ago. Enjoy” - cannibal chef

Me on grocery store intercom: I’d like to warn the other shoppers that there’s a hugger on aisle five

Me holding misbehaving 6yo’s head down so she won’t hit it on the top bunk: you may as well get used to this…it’s what cops do when they put you in their patrol car

I’m walking with the dead again.

I am becoming more and more discouraged by the day. I hate that.

It’s just me against these glasses of water on my bedside table

You really can't judge a person based on a single restraining order.

"Well, congrats you are totally fixed" *Me, as your therapist / sick of your bullshit

Me: "this conversation could've been an email" Also me: *has 4000 unread emails

Alright, look. You can call me a bachelor like its a bad thing, but I have a mini fridge in my room. So there.

The end of the world & Im over here buying pens

Remember kids, when someone gives you an ugly gift, it means they hate you, and they should be ashamed of their bad gift giving skills.

I’m an 80s kid, being cancelled doesn’t scare me.

That looks like a problem for someone else.

I can do anything I put my mind to, but there’s nothing my mind wants to do today.

Not trying to hate on talkative people but please shut the fuck up.