Ⓜ️isterD

I'm: 30% sarcasm 30% awkward 30% silly 20% shit at maths

If in doubt don't forget those 3 little words she loves to hear ... "you were right"

Look if I say I'm gonna be somewhere, you can be damn well sure I'll be there on time... give or take 30 minutes of course

"Well, congrats you are totally fixed" *Me, as your therapist / sick of your bullshit

It's impossible to find a birthday card for a 10yo boy from a 10yo boy -- why don't they have one that just says "bro happy birthday bro".

10yo: mommy look! her, driving: can't see what you're pointing at back there. him: oh, thought you said you had eyes in the back your head. her:

I’m at the age where making enemies is easy but making friends needs effort.

I was in a pool and my kids had to ruin it by standing on the side and whining. Then my wife started complaining about me, claiming “I asked you to watch them” and “Not sit in their kiddie pool in our backyard and drink scotch”.

Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Probably.

If it’s not an Ozzy and Sharon kind of love, I don’t want it

We ended up spending the entire date talking about ourselves in third person.

therapy isn’t enough i need a dragon

You're a bad motherfucker. Say it out loud.

The moon rises pretty fast. If you don’t chain yourself up by sundown, you might eat your neighbor. -Ferris Bueller, wolf edition, probably

You wanna act a fool and play games? Cool. Don’t be mad when I stop treating you like the main character.

you're in his dms but he's in my pants we are not the same

if loving Matthew McConaughey is wrong then i’m alright alright alright

Whenever I see a trash bag on the side of the road, I'm always POSITIVE it contains dismembered body parts

not enough people butt dial anymore

I’d break all my rules for you if I had any

It’s like he doesn’t even know why I told him I needed a back massage.