𝙨𝙩𝙖𝙧𝙗𝙤𝙞 💫

rubbing my eyeballs so vigorously they make mac and cheese noises

Oh no I really hope Bill Clinton isn’t in the Epstein files, I’ll have to get rid of my Bill Clinton hat and my Bill Clinton sneakers and my Bill Clinton cologne and my Bill Clinton watch and take down my Bill Clinton flag and I’ll have to delete my Bill Clinton nft trading cards

Hulk Hogan Entering Hell

Hulk Hogan passed away on the 10 year anniversary of his racist recordings being published.

Oh Hulk Hogan, you were truly the Ozzy Osbourne of professional wrestling, only far worse of a person.

We don't use catapults as much as we used to

you can’t hurt me. you’re not my pants pocket somehow snagging on the door handle for the third time today

Watching me eat chicken wings is how you find out if you truly love me, or if you need to leave immediately.

do not reach out to me I swear to god

wtf is “liked your tweet” just say you want me

when you stretch an image in microsoft word

Twitter has to be the only place in the world where someone can say, “I want to kms,” and immediately get flooded with sincere Monsters’ Inc. gifs

The guy at the funeral home said I should probably set the beef chalupa down while picking out grandma’s casket. As if I can’t do two things at once pal.

me: instead of making you cacio e pepe for dinner, I’m going to make cacio e Geoffrey 😏 gf: *vomits*

I want gothic drama, not healthy communication. V.C. Andrews didn’t raise me to settle for a boring love story.

you’re telling me a street made this corn?

If it’s not an Ozzy and Sharon kind of love, I don’t want it

if you look into my eyes, you will see Truly lemonade and 121 Chicago-style hot dogs

Go figure. My friend got vaccinated for polio in 1960 and he just died. I wonder if there was a connection. He was hit by a car but who knows?

the espresso/caramel fusion at the end of a macchiato is 🧑‍🍳 😚