Dan
@dadopotamus
croissant enthusiast
my wife agreed to stop spending money on non-essentials this month and so far we’ve saved 3 million dollars.
Before the Internet, we didn’t even know how dumb everyone was. We suspected of course, but now we have proof.
*removes all the raisins from my Raisin Bran and replaces them with two scoops of ibuprofen*
National parks have hiking trails for everyone, from “I climb mountains for breakfast” to “I just tripped on a curb.”
If you're chewing a carrot and you sneeze, chewed carrot will come out of your nose. Follow me for more tips on how to stay single.
I'm going to get more sleep tonight is always the first lie I tell myself in the morning.
Just goofing around I decided to go on E-Harmony... .... wouldn't you know it matched me up with a pepperoni pizza.
You fake orgasms. I fake interest. Which is the more useful life skill?
My daughter’s new bluetooth karaoke mic has suddenly and mysteriously disappeared and we are all just so, so sad that we can’t find it
cities are like “we should keep these two lanes on a major highway closed even though no one is working today.
10 years ago, I put my phone on silent and never looked back.
Shitting on someone else's garden won't make yours grow.
The worst thing I’ve ever done is become important at work.
people talk shit about Dave Matthews while listening to music that’s written by ghost writers and featuring auto tune.
I never liked Kelsey plum since she ate that popcorn like an asshole. Ease up on the Botox while you’re at it girl
KP: "It was a very powerful moment. As players, we didn't know that that was going to happen. It was a genuine surprise. The t shirt was determined this morning. Not to tattletale: 0 members of Team Clark were very present for that"
wait. what?
In Illinois, adult immigrants ages 42-64 without legal status have lost their health care to save an estimated $404 million. trib.al/CbnpKJT
if you go barefoot in an airport you should be forced to fly in the bottom of the plane with the luggage