Lady Lawya

Preparing a client for a custody trial. I said, “Tell me the name of your child’s teacher, pediatrician, dentist, their shoe size, clothing size, known allergies, favorite food, and best friend’s name.” Client, “Why is ANY of that relevant?” Folks, this is why we trial prep.

them: "so where do you summer" me: "ahh yes, the same place I winter, Detroit" (except i pronounce it "day-twa" like the french)

We didn't have all these problems back when Pluto was a planet.

My favorite app to scroll is Venmo because why is Bill making his wife pay him back for her Starbucks coffee?

I cannot believe I used to pay money to have what I thought was a cool ringtone. I kid you not I paid $4.99 in 2008 for my phone to play (loudly, mind you) Chamillionaire’s “Ridin” every time someone called me.

Maybe there was a reason the internet used to scream at us when we logged on.

When you split a dessert the waiter should bring two forks and one of those chess clocks you smack to let the other person know it’s their turn.

My 80 year old mother, who has no social media & only watches Netflix & Hulu, asked me if I had heard about the Coldplay concert fiasco. That’s how badly those 2 are cooked.

why what happened

I am kindly requesting that the people in charge of putting the expiration dates on food please remember your elders. Right now I’m in the chip aisle with a magnifying glass.

Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.

There’s literally no better social media app to be on than this one, when shit hits the fan. I’m proud of us, guys.

I found out my husband was cheating on me at a Linkin Park concert. We tried so hard and got so far but, in the end, it didn’t even matter.

I can’t tell you how much I’d love to marry and then be publicly cheated on by a man with a reported net worth of £1.3bn

Not book smart. Not street smart. But a third, less useful smart.

I've got 99 problems. I know this because I wake up in middle the night to review each and every one of them in great detail.

Live shot of the CEOs wife’s divorce attorney having the best day.

My teen believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left and oh how I laughed and laughed.

Me as a kid: ooooooh who’s at the door?! I’ll get it! Me as an adult: I think we need a moat.

Not only do I have a bottle of water on my nightstand. I also have 10 backup waters.

Every marriage has one person who wants to arrive at the airport 2 hours early & the other wants to arrive when they’re closing the gate.