Herschel Pennymacker

I don’t need a “bidet.” I have a “waterpik” and “pretty good aim.”

The Play-Doh Fun Factory is terrific until the split shifts and onerous quotas find you tossing back fistfuls of Pixy Stix just to stay awake. Your imaginary friend doesn’t even know who you are anymore.

I want my robots to sound like robots.

Absolutely no one: Youtube creator: you’ve been cracking eggs wrong your entire life here’s the right way to do it

You were playing hide and seek, but no one found you, which gave you time to read.

When I was ten I read my parents’ copy of the Godfather, and told them I would marry Enzo the baker. I ran around the neighborhood yelling “for your father for your father” until I found their copy of War and Peace at age eleven. At that point I just wanted Enzo to be left alone.

Why are my earbuds suddenly loose?!? Have I finally lost that stubborn ear fat???

I've couples skated to 🎶War Pigs.

Me, normally: Every life has meaning and value! Me, driving: Thanos was right

Stolen Squalor

on the phone with the insurance company trying to figure out what the $286,349 charge on my bill that's coded "HPKB" is, and finally the fifth person i'm transferred to informs me it's for "horse playing keyboard"

You knew people didn't care about you but let X Premium's analytics show you how MUCH they don't care about you.

I like to end each day with a work out like right now I'm trying to work out how to eat these cookies without having to share with my family.

Banging on a pot with a wooden spoon is de rigueur among the racket-making community.

nicotine is the powerhouse of the cell

We can put a man on the moon, but we can't get one out of our basement.

Only later did you realize your favorite professor's house looked like it was fished out of a canal.

If you ever hear me say "I learnt it on the streets" there's a high probability it was on Sesame Street

Do I read for "fun"? Does a surgeon do heart transplants for fun? Does an engineer build rockets for fun? There is nothing "fun" about determining the objective aesthetic value of literary texts

I think it’s so beautiful we let Nicolas Cage tell us all our stories now.