One Awkward Mom

Sorry I can’t make it, it’s dark by 6pm and I have an astigmatism and also I don’t want to.

Do I 𝙣𝙚𝙚𝙙 to go shopping for fall decor or grab coffee on the way? Spiritually, yes.

My kid, counting his piggy bank money: Mom, I’m all out of cents. Me: *nods in quiet agreement*

Looking for a skincare routine that will mask the fact that I haven’t had a clean house or slept in 8 years.

My 4yo says it’s so hot that my tattoos are going to melt off and I really don’t feel like he’s wrong.

Thinking about how every time I’d nurse our babies my husband would say ‘bon appéTIT’ and chuckle to himself.

Every time I step outside it’s 100° and everything costs $100 and I am sick of it.

Toddlers are fun because they won’t eat the food you cook, but a dirty cheerio from the depths of their car seat is a gourmet snack.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who reacts to constructive criticism the same way a toddler reacts to the word ‘no.’

Are you dramatic like a normal person or are you dramatic like a toddler having their face wiped.

I think I’m a civilized human until I have a bowl of fresh popcorn, then all of a sudden I’m a cave dweller fresh in from hunting wooly mammoths.

My mind running in circles should count towards my steps.

Every single morning I have to get out of bed and do things and it’s bullshit

The ‘hot’ in hot mom summer stands for hot and bothered.

I don’t understand why people say their kids never listen, you just have to ask them over and over at increasing volumes before giving up and eventually doing it yourself. Simple.

My toxic trait is immediately assuming that if you're laughing anywhere near me, you’re laughing AT me.

Me as a kid: ooooooh who’s at the door?! I’ll get it! Me as an adult: I think we need a moat.

I wanna be where the people, responsibilities, and bills aren’t.

My toddler came into the bathroom while I was on the toilet and said, “you pooped! You get a cookie!” This is the only level of enthusiasm I’ll be accepting from now on.

My kid sure likes to bark “I know” at me an awful lot for someone who just needed help figuring out how to open a new trash bag.

Therapist: have you been having a lot of anxiety today? Me: I’m awake, aren’t I. Therapist: Me: *shakes shredded cheese into my mouth*