Not Today Eric

Sorry I missed your call. I watched it ring and everything.

Ouch. Right in the childhood.

Garlic bread has never cheated on me. Just saying.

Maybe there was a reason the internet used to scream at us when we logged on.

Anything after 4pm is nighttime. Everybody knows that.

Listen, just use the front right burner and nobody gets hurt.

This is how they would catch me at a concert.

I am a man, a man with the sniffles. So I guess this is goodbye.

Dear kids, we used to wait all week just to watch 5 cartoons on Saturday morning.

I’m white but I’m not got caught cheating at a Coldplay concert white.

I just need someone to talk to, eight million dollars and a hug. Nothing crazy.

I don’t trust anyone born after 1988.

I just met a cat named Mark and I can’t stop laughing.

Ah yes, another day of pretending I know what’s going on.

When people tell me they can fall asleep in three minutes all I hear is blah blah blah blah blah I’m a monster.

Just leave the kitchen scissors IN THE KITCHEN and nobody gets hurt.

I waved at someone who wasn’t waving at me again. Add that to the list.

Bands used to say things like “POUR SOME SUGAR ON ME” and everybody was like hell yeah.

Better than the 90’s? Are you insane.

I don’t fear death. I fear running out of Advil.

The first 40-50 years are the toughest right? RIGHT?