Suds

It’s like waterboarding, only with fire

If you like a person to show up and block the kitchen sink every time you’re using it, you may want to consider getting married

Not now bitch, I'm snorting the leftover powdered sugar from the bag of donuts I just ate.

No no babe, no cuddles during my cartoon time.

Woke up as an echo of a promise again

The older I get the more I love my morning coffee and no one speaking to me.

Sexting with this guy and I said, "You must be quite the multitasker"

“Failure is not an option” People who don’t know how failure works.

My stomach hurts. I'm going to drink some gin about it.

Twitter is showing that i'm not following anyone. This is great

Them: "have a nice weekend" Me: "don't tell me what to do"

I guess sitting in the abortion clinic waiting room isn't the time to remind her of the advantages of anal.

I'm not drunk... i'm tipsy adjacent

How many throat clears before you can savagely beat your coworker with an office chair?

And we're off! To an indifferent start i guess whatever

Calm down, let's not act like I'm your first bad decision.

This lunch pairs well with watching 11 minutes of a tv show

But what if I don't want someone that's good for me.

A group of alpacas is called apacka alpacas.

If it weren't for the last minute, I'd never do anything.

(Covered head to toe with fire ants) it's laundry day