Blather Wince Repeat

Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.

This doggo just unlocked a new level of happiness

I'll be at the Improv Comedy Club tonight. Whipping batteries at people

It's important to randomly act bored and indifferent towards your cats so they understand how that feels.

How I train my dragon is, frankly, none of your business.

You were playing hide and seek, but no one found you, which gave you time to read.

I like to end each day with a work out like right now I'm trying to work out how to eat these cookies without having to share with my family.

Just because I’m wearing heart-shaped earrings, doesn’t mean I won’t kick your ass

I'm at my wits' middle

Baby horse meets a hooman for the first time..🐎😊❤️ 📹hidaIgoinsta

We can put a man on the moon, but we can't get one out of our basement.

Elephants are so much like us. They mourn their dead, have strong family bonds, and are self aware. They are amazing animals..🐘♥️

I'd eat organic, but at my age I need the preservatives.

You permit yourself a silly little thought, "Perhaps mosquitoes are tiny little vampires?" Then one flies in front of a mirror, its reflection on full display to all. How wrong you are! You hang your head in shame.

I love anything cherry flavored except cherries

Banging on a pot with a wooden spoon is de rigueur among the racket-making community.

Only later did you realize your favorite professor's house looked like it was fished out of a canal.

I used to race motorcycles, but I just wasn’t ever good enough. Those things are a lot faster than me.

Could never have finished the Mary Tyler Moore marathon without the support of my sponsor, Mountain Dew. Also a huge shout out to the folks at Mama Celeste.