Paige Kellerman

I think it’s so beautiful we let Nicolas Cage tell us all our stories now.

excuse me, spider

I’m fine. Nothing winning a chocolate factory wouldn’t fix.

me seeing friend buying two hot dogs: two huh? ol double dog. the two dog kid. friend who remembers when I tried to eat healthy in 2017: ok lentils

You were playing hide and seek, but no one found you, which gave you time to read.

When you split a dessert the waiter should bring two forks and one of those chess clocks you smack to let the other person know it’s their turn.

I am so #PhilipSeymourHoffman 💥💖💥

I’m not wasting time on my phone, I’m going for a nice little scroll around the block.

Life’s short. Eat the chocolate, wear the perfume, use the good crystal, help Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton launch a weather tracker into an F5 tornado and barely make it out alive. Live a little.

interviewer: …& can you explain this gap in your résumé? me: {pointing to the gap in my résumé} that’s where I didn’t work.

I bet my friend I could remember how to write an uppercase cursive Q, so now she's ordering chicken for her Caesar salad.

Sorry I can’t come to your party. I’m still cataloging every social interaction from my last event and labeling each one “awkward” or “really awkward.”

“It’s a trap,” I yell, trying to get out of my wet swimsuit.

Filling out this style questionnaire and I’m pretty disappointed “shrouded in mystery” isn’t a category.

I shouldnt have let myself get sucked in by the linen suit thing, now I'm just strutting about Edinburgh dressed like the evil archaeologist in an Indiana Jones film

Just once, I’d like to be able to put on a swimsuit without it looking like Bob Fosse choreographed the entire thing.

I have learned there's a person on the current season of Love Island who keeps using the term "escape goat" to refer to a kind of exit strategy, like a goat that you hop on and ride out of a difficult situation. Not sure why everyone isn't talking about this

Here's my offer: I lean on a fence and watch your cows. You pay me what you think it's worth.

Tickets are getting so expensive at the movie theater lately, I’m having to think very carefully about which franchise I’m going to let disappoint me.

Flew 22 hours to dine at what I was TOLD was the first Outback Steakhouse.