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Money can't buy happiness but it makes mania a lot more fun.

If anyone needs me today… don’t.

Remember when people used to hang Magic Eye pictures in their homes like they were artwork? That was weird.

I think I’m gonna get crazy and have 2 coffees today. Yall been warned.

GPS voiced by Rodney Dangerfield.

Everyone has something they believe in. I believe in drinking before noon.

Taking naps and sighing a lot is just who I am now.

People who say “good moaning” instead of “good morning” please stop.

Live your life to the fullest! Eat those mashed potatoes in bed.

Today is a good day to be a better asshole.

I just mixed two different types of cereal together for the first time. What a time to be alive.

Bring back Joe Camel.

Childhood was staring at your closet door at 3 AM, waiting for it to either open or kill you.

It’s the weekend. I’ll be lying on the floor dramatically, waiting for a text or the rapture, whichever comes first.

CEO sues Coldplay, proving once again that rich people can weaponize stupidity.

I have to plug my phone into the charger so often during the day that I basically have a landline again.

My deepest and most profound thoughts today were about pizza.

Choosing to be happy sometimes means telling people to fuck off.

“You seem tense, you should find a way to relax” Me: Thanks, I hadn’t thought of that

I’m gonna start enunciating the “G” in lasagna, try and stop me