SpecialKimtamine™ 🏴‍☠️🇺🇸🇮🇹🚩

Your honor I would like to plead oopsies daisies

i sensed the gravity of the situation without any help from newton. who's stupid now ?

my wife asked me to pick up a thing at the store so i spent an hour not finding it at a sports bar having chicken wings and beer

you wanna get ice cream then go ghost hunting with me?

Went from 5’3” to 5’2.99”…so I’ve gone from…elf to gremlin? Did I do that right?

In case no one has told you today... I think you're lovely. 😊❤️

When I love you, it's not just the pretty parts

Just me and my boob sweat against the world!

The word "sips" is an anagram of the word "piss". Ponder that.

ok jesus im outing my phone away. wutang mfs

I bet the inside of your house doesn’t smell weird. - me flirting

Guess I have a thing for tan lines

Truth be told I'm not the kinda person that can handle lots of friends so don't bother

If you see someone crying ask them if it’s because their mother let them out the house looking like that

Twitter is basically an acceptable way to mumble nonsense to yourself daily without being diagnosed schizophrenic.

i don't say much, but when i do, my therapist levels up.

Boxed wine is just a gateway to living in a 1 bedroom apartment with 10 cats and collecting cow figurines

I'm very happy to say that I have absolutely nothing in common with those people who take pleasure in taking the piss out of other people.

It's always good to find out who your true friends are.

Get verified? Get fucked.

I'm heading to the beach without a beach body, so I shall display all of my back fat to the world