SD

We’re living in a Black Mirror episode but most people won’t realize it until the credits roll.

Someone grab a towel, my sarcasm is dripping everywhere.

Why do we cheer investigative journalists in movies, yet dismiss real-life truth-seekers as conspiracy nuts?

Hey @grok, why?

A coworker left a post-it note on his computer monitor that said "I quit" and walked out and I have a hero for the first time in my life

Do I have a type, or do I just keep dating people who look like they’d ruin my credit score?

Absolutely no one: Youtube creator: you’ve been cracking eggs wrong your entire life here’s the right way to do it

A group of alpacas is called apacka alpacas.

So annoyed by these people talking beside me (my family)

I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable, it will happen again

Friend: where were you all morning? Me: I was getting ass in the back of a van. Friend: nice, congrats! Reality:

I see McDonald’s is coming out with a new menu item. It’s a deep fried pickle covered in batter, they are calling it the McDill Dough.

Seriously though, how good did you have to be at buckling to be considered a swashbuckler!?

*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits* *Picks broccoli out while eating it*

It’s like I don’t even know what to do with my eyebrows anymore.

I don't know what's wrong with your baby. I put the leftover chicken vindaloo through the blender before I fed it to him.

If you don't laugh at farts, you're either lying or dead inside.

I just forgot my phone number while giving someone my phone number if you're wondering what stage of life im currently in.

Gonna pretend I’m shadow banned instead of thinking I’m not funny or relatable

*Hooker approaches car* H: Hey baby, wanna party? Me: Do you make balloon animals? H: Wha-- M: DO YOU OR DO YOU NOT MAKE BALLOON ANIMALS?!