redyellowgreendance 💃🏻
@RYGdance
Mom to two hilariously quotable boys. Link to my tweets: https://twitter.com/search?q=(from%3ARYGdance)(exclude%3Areplies)&s=09
Me: <Face ID attempt> Phone: “Who the F are you?” Me: <sprinkles sleep crust across eyelids, pulls 27 frizzy strands out of bun, executes quadruple chin> Phone: “Oh it’s you, come on in”
You can't embarrass me. You're not my toddler clapping and saying "yay daddy you're going peepee" in a full public restroom.
Latest reason for feeling old on vacation - my bathing suit bottom covers more than 6% of my buttcheeks
If you don’t keep your samurai sword behind the toilet, do you even live in a house of boys?
I still say “roll up the window” for god sake’s, don’t expect me to quit calling this place Twitter anytime soon.
Are you dramatic like a normal person or are you dramatic like a toddler having their face wiped.
And to my children I leave my collection of grocery bags that I store inside of a grocery bag.
the elderberry is the wisest and most knowledgeable of all the berries
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Just started raining. I better call my dad to see if we needed this.
This wine tastes like I’m about to start rearranging the living room furniture
As a teacher I know that any time I have to purchase new underwear I will, without fail, run into a student and their entire family
Sat with the hair salon cape velcroed so tightly around my neck it was practically choking me for 2.5 hours without speaking up, because I didn’t wanna seem “difficult”
Me: “Guys come on, bed time!” My son, 12: “Hang on, 9 is making me do math!” The hell is going on on this summer night?
you can be anything. be the person who ends meetings early.
“Happens to the best of us” does not explain why it’s happening to me