Jude D

Most of adulthood is saying 'what the fuck?' under your breath about everything and then you die

Trauma dumping, but you know, like in a sexy way.

After 8 years of tapping my phone all the FBI got was 579 recordings of me ordering a pepperoni pizza.

Not now bitch, I'm wasting my potential.

My sex tape's just me eating a banana in my undies.

Sometimes you just have to be done, not mad not upset Just done.

Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance. Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.

I'm at the age where if you text me at 10:17pm.... I'm texting you back at 5:13am.

Good morning.

Kindness is not weakness, actually, and you're dumb if you think that

It takes courage to accept who you are

learn to surround yourself with people who secretly don't hate you

The bartisa who served my coffee this morning told me to have a good day, so I've only just opened twitter.

🌸Graceful Garden🌸 Tuesday I’m in bloom That 👊 my 📷

Disappearing into the forest is just my way of putting my world on silent mode

I love the smell of missed opportunities in the morning

Nothing makes you feel older than your kid asking what a fax machine is.

Tried to impress her with my dance moves, but I just invented the ‘awkward shuffle out the door' instead