Uncle Bob 🍩

The first 50 years of childhood are always the hardest.

I'm just going to bless your heart to every rude comment now. How can you argue with that?

Sarcasm is like punching someone in the face with words.

Self-abuse? Oh, you mean work

Bad week to be a celebrity.

Music because we need to escape from reality sometimes.

My ex-wife got my model railway in the divorce and to this day the vindictive bitch will send me video of the trains running behind schedule

I won’t argue. I’ll just cut your brake lines.

Having that strange moment where almost everyone I’m close to is having meltdown moments and I’m here thinking not today abyss, not today.

We didn't have all these problems back when Pluto was a planet.

I found $20 laying in the parking lot and thought to myself “What would Jesus do?” So, I turned it into wine.

I've never had a book interrupt me with pop-up ads.

<••• prefers books over phones any day.

It’s okay if you don’t like my tweets. Not everyone has good taste.

Rediscovered something from my youth.

Your bill is ready to view Thanks bitch nobody asked you

A first kiss finds true love. A first fart confirms it.

I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells "SERIOUSLY?!"

Asked a guy his hobbies and he said, "I like to dilly dally"

My tinnitus is really tinnitusing today.

I never had my hands at 10 and 2 while driving. They've always been at 7 and fries 🤷🏼‍♀️