Rubsomedirtonit™️

Walks into confessional. Slides phone through slot.

I was a kid with opinions, but I kept my mouth shut while I was still smackable. This is good advice if anyone knows any children.

Centaurs can't wipe their asses.

stepped outside, zero stars, would not recommend

We didn't have playdates when I was a kid; our parents kicked us out till dark. And the weakest among us ended up on Unsolved Mysteries like Mother Nature intended.

How old were you when you realized Pat Benetar and Joan Jett were the same person?

A cheeseburger from 5 Guys is the same exact price as a 2023 Dodge Challenger

Not to get religious, but Alf is never actually mentioned in the Bible.

I may not know everything, but I know you don't Google how to kill someone before you kill someone.

Crunchy peanut butter exists because someone got lazy.

sitting/lying in this recliner with sketti belly….no regrets

I’m Southern, but not, been Tased in a Bingo Hall, Southern.

*Hooker approaches car* H: Hey baby, wanna party? Me: Do you make balloon animals? H: Wha-- M: DO YOU OR DO YOU NOT MAKE BALLOON ANIMALS?!

When I was a kid, I was beat with things like brooms and toilet plungers. It was a simpler time. The dollar was strong.

She was unique, like a Millennial that could drive a stick shift.

I'm in Oakland to transport a felon to New Mexico. My advice to you, don't come to Oakland.

i love posting my thoughts on the internet. now they’re your problem.

I got caught cheating at a Smiths concert and now my girlfriend's in a coma and I know, I know it's really serious.

The last memory of my father will always be at the zoo, when he took his pants off and yelled, "watch me fuck this bear."

I wish more dumb people were shy