Horatio Quartzjixler

Girl, are you a junk refrigerator left by the curb with the door still attached? Because I want to put a baby in you.

They should put grandstands inside Walmart and charge admission to watch all the fat fucks trying to drive a motorized scooter

Instagram: only a heartless person would scroll pa- Me: scrolls past

I’d probably be a very chill werewolf, even during a full moon.

Which one of you retweeted me onto the naughty side of this place?

If I had 400 billion I would use it for good and fund a third season of Detroiters

God, please send my someone to love me or make me a millionaire.

Perched on the roof edge this morning I watched a singing robin clutching a live worm in its beak from which was glistening a large water droplet and I knew that a picture would never do it justice but I still had to tell you.

Here’s the catch, you never really know what’s fact and what’s fiction.

I’m the best looking girl on this Walmart surveillance camera footage

Can someone eat healthy for me? I’m tired.

Lifetime taught me to expect grand gestures. So far it’s just ghosting and unanswered Venmo requests.

Do I need to see Fantastic 1 - 3 for it to make sense

If you're not at least a little bit weird then you're weird

Good grief you people order a lot of shit !

I hate Michael McDonald. Not his music, him personally. HE KNOWS WHY

Sorry I missed your call, but I had to talk on the phone two times today, so I’ve already met my yearly quota.

I miss the old twitter. I don't know this twitter.

Today is a good day to be a better asshole.

You know what’s really good? Sautéed cabbage FML but yes

I don't have room in my life for people that don't say, Thank you.