The Unruly Misfit
@TheSpotter8
All tweets done from my office air-ducts and crawlspace.
Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn't bounce out the trash can when you throw it away...
That drum solo from In the Air Tonight, but it’s me just slapping my tummy waiting for the microwave to beep.
It's when I first entered the rink with my roller skates on that I knew I fucked up.
On a scale of 1 to 10, how terrifying are you before the coffee kicks in?
It’s always a huge relief when I’m reading a list of symptoms of a deadly disease and it says unexplained weight loss.
My wife thinks I don't know that she's giving me things to do just to keep me out of her hair. And she was just lying there on the bed grunting something about needing towels and hot water. Whatever. I'll get to it.
Hate to brag, but back when I was bartending I could juggle 12 olives and stir your martini at the same time.
Just found out that Ozzy died so tonight for 76 minutes I'll be outside Barking at the Moon.
*removes all the raisins from my Raisin Bran and replaces them with two scoops of ibuprofen*
You fake orgasms. I fake interest. Which is the more useful life skill?
A Series of Unfortunate Events... a children’s book series, or an adult workweek?
The most liberating day of my life was when I figured out I didn’t have to finish a book just because I’d started it.
My daughter’s new bluetooth karaoke mic has suddenly and mysteriously disappeared and we are all just so, so sad that we can’t find it
Toddlers are fun because they won’t eat the food you cook, but a dirty cheerio from the depths of their car seat is a gourmet snack.