Abby Heugel

I've deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.

Sorry. Can't. Rewriting my grocery list in the order that I shop through the store.

Mark Zuckerberg is 41 and has a net worth of $242 billion, despite settling an $8 billion lawsuit this week. I’m 43 and just had my hair cut for the first time in a year because I finally had a $5 coupon. Never stop chasing your dreams.

I've got 99 problems. I know this because I wake up in middle the night to review each and every one of them in great detail.

I used the back left burner on the stove instead of my favorite front right burner so you could say this weekend is already off to a wild start.

Winter: It's too cold to leave the house and do anything. Summer: It's too hot to leave the house and do anything.

I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person that gets angry at loud noises and makes decisions based on the availability of food and a comfortable place to sit down.

It’s important to reward yourself for your accomplishments. For example, I spent 10 minutes vacuuming, so now I’m going to sit on the couch with snacks for three hours, watching my favorite shows.

It’s crazy that hunting and gathering were separate jobs. Like, you’re already in the woods. You can’t grab some berries?

Oscillating fans are great when you only want to be cooled down every five seconds.

I'm going to need to know what temperature you keep your thermostat at before I agree to come over.

I don’t want the Disney princess dream of a tiara and fairytale romance. I want the version where I sleep for eight uninterrupted hours and a woodland creature scrubs my toilets. So I wrote about it: provokedbysusan.com/cinderellas-go…

It's so hot the chipmunks are using my bird bath as a hot tub and requesting mimosas and the brunch menu.

I’m not afraid to admit when I’m wrong. For example, I thought it was a good idea to leave the house today, which as it turns out, was a terrible mistake.

It's so hot that I burst into flames just by walking outside. Luckily it's also so humid the fire went out almost immediately.

Sorry I had to unfollow you when you put the apostrophe in the wrong place on a plural possesive.

I feel like whoever named them rice cakes has never actually eaten a cake.

Me as a kid: I can handle anything that comes my way! Me as an adult: I hurt myself sneezing and they rearranged my grocery store. I don’t think I can go on.

When you become a vampire you gain immortality, but it hardly seems worth if you have to live forever without garlic bread.

Elon Musk lost $34 billion of his net worth in a day and I’m still angry I forgot to use a $1 coupon on toilet paper two days ago.

ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes ME: Put Ratatouille on