Wilde Thingy

Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!

For every repost this gets, I will harvest one innocent soul and offer it up to the old gods so they may bless us all.

4 year old: is money real or pretend? Me: *clears throat* *takes sip of water* *arranges notes on podium*

Therapy isn’t gonna cut it I need vengeance

How I train my dragon is, frankly, none of your business.

i wake up. something’s wrong with the clock on the wall. the numbers are jumbled. my hands aren’t right. i tell my wife. she responds: “that’s not just an observation—it’s a powerful insight.” i scream.

Who knows what evil lurks in the genitals of men?

Here's my offer: I lean on a fence and watch your cows. You pay me what you think it's worth.

Same, but haggis 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿

Having fully worked through the plan in detail, I've decided against suicide by lawn mower.

I'd be your guilty pleasure, or at least I would be if I made you feel guilty. Or pleasure.

I prefer not to think of it as getting older and more as careering headlong towards death.

I went travelling to find myself. I was hugely disappointed with what I found.

In alcohol’s defence, I’ve done some equally stupid things while completely sober.

My superpower is to always correctly expect the Spanish Inquisition. Don't worry, I don't expect them today.

I have the impermanence of a much more transitionary being.

Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.

God: "And the people of earth shall live by just and fair laws so that peace and harmony reigns" Satan: *invents lawyers* God "oooo you are evil!"

When someone says jizz bucket, do they mean 🔹 a bucket made of jizz, 🔹 a bucket full of jizz or 🔹 a bucket that is especially for jizz so that whether it actually has jizz in it at any particular time doesn't actually effect its status as a jizz bucket?

When I said there's no such thing as a dumb question, I didn't expect them to take it as a personal challenge.

Luckily the trolls don't bother me because they don't believe I'm real.