⊹٭𝚆𝚘𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚛𝚜𝚝𝚛𝚞𝚌𝚔٭⊹

I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex. Today I'm wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.

Me: "this conversation could've been an email" Also me: *has 4000 unread emails

If Ozzy resurrects himself in three days I’m gonna lose my shit.

Maybe you're not weird, maybe you're "special".

"Well, congrats you are totally fixed" *Me, as your therapist / sick of your bullshit

Hate to brag, but back when I was bartending I could juggle 12 olives and stir your martini at the same time.

It's when I first entered the rink with my roller skates on that I knew I fucked up.

I talk to myself because I'm a better listener than most...

Me: buys groceries to eat healthy Also me, 2 days later: eating cereal out of the box at 11pm because ambition left the chat.

Ozzy Osbourne has passed away at the age of 76

Okay I know Tigers are big but I was not expecting Big Mama to come around that corner

Cub’s great escape instantly canceled by Mum

Not now bitch, I'm wasting my potential.

I feel so used when I wake up before the alarm.

all i'm saying is, i understand why people become villains.

Don't tell me to make myself at home, i'll drink your vodka, eat all your cheese and then take an epic nap

WHY DO I HAVE TO RENT A MOVIE ON PRIME IF I ALREADY FUCKIN PAY FOR PRIMEEE ??

No one prepared us for handling aging parents. There should be a class.

Hobbies? I have hobbies, what do you call staying inside to avoid the heat

Nothing makes you feel older than your kid asking what a fax machine is.

So, oranges can be fixed by grandpas. Okay, noted.