Lisa is Toots McCoy, the oblivious fascination

Everyone tells me to wash the dishes and be on time and I'm all, you want me

Women are evil but beautiful so it’s okay

I think I need another Xanax at least.

Why do people say “tuna fish”, but not “chicken bird”??

I’m going to put an unexpected item in your bagging area.

Introducing kids to The Princess Bride tonight. Anybody want a peanut?

Sorry for late notice, but bedtime is in 5 minutes! Wrap up all your bullshit.

If these porn bots had proper grammar they might be a little bit of fun

Do you remember this?

I’m right where you left me.

i like them obsessed with me and a little jealous and i’m not even sorry about that

I’m delicious, just ask the mosquitoes.

Can we all agree that alcohol is much worse than cannabis?

Still can’t believe Ozzy is gone. 😞

I don’t want casual, it has never fit

Do you know why we pulled over

Self deprecation is my go to because there is nothing you can say to me that I haven’t already used to stab myself first

Use your great tits for good

Whenever people are being rude or obnoxious or aggressive, you just walk away from them. Why can't anyone on the internet do this?

Your honor that doesn’t sound like me

Are you going to listen, or do I have to take off my other hoop earring?