your other mom

I haven’t licked an envelope in over two decades without thinking of George Costanza.

happy shaturday everybody let’s get pooping

Introducing kids to The Princess Bride tonight. Anybody want a peanut?

I made pizza dough and then I made a pizza with that dough. Witchcraft.

This is a Twitter family not an X family.

Hey.

Gonna get a sandwich today and thought you guys should know.

Only psychopaths don’t do this.

Hi from Texas.

People who leave the blinds closed the entire plane ride: who hurt you?

I once had a geometry teacher that was in really good shape

Pretzel dogs from scratch. Queso pics not included.

Sext: I made queso.

Slamming my laptop shut before anyone sees that I am once again browsing an alphabetical list of cheeses

Me: Do that thing I like. Him: *communicates clearly*

being told that you’re funny is far better than any looks based compliment

when twins aren’t identical i’m like ok then what was the point of all that

I made bread and then I made french toast with that bread. Wizardry.

Anyone wanna go to a Coldplay concert w me?

Just ate a cookie for breakfast so there are a few perks to being an adult.

One day you’re young and fun and the next you’re saying, “I wonder how old this tree is.”