WildGuess29
@WildGuess29
Deep down, under the layers of hate and sarcasm, we both know that I’m a goddamned DELIGHT! I’m like wine - after 50+ years, I’m basically vinegar.
My sex tape is 10 minutes of me trying to unstick a peanut butter sandwich from the roof of my mouth.
I’m on a commuter bus to the airport. I’m sizing up my fellow travelers, deciding who I will pinch first if shit goes down.
I love how her laugh has an accent 😂😂
Look, all I'm saying is Ozzy's timing is impeccable. I mean the dude took the term "Farewell Tour" to heart.
Time had dulled my memory of why I hate people. Today, life delivered a sharp reminder in the form of going to the airport during the peak of vacation season. A sharp, painful, sticky, maddening, shrill reminder.
Releasing the Epstein list on the Jumbotron at a Coldplay concert
I don’t judge people by their appearance because I’m an adult. I judge them by their favorite pasta shape.
I’m always mad when people are more clever than me like how dare they
Calm down Chad. I’ve had an ingrown hair go deeper than my feelings for you
It breaks my heart a little I think every time I think I didn’t know it was the last time I’d be doing something, being with someone, sharing an experience..
Our sexting session was scalding hot, then she mentioned being a Yankees fan. My erection disappeared so quickly it made the sound of a balloon deflating.
This guy and his dog just walked into the cafe I'm at, and the guy announced it's the dog's birthday
pretty sure my roomba is using weaponized incompetence to get out of vacuuming
I saw my virginity in a dream once. It pointed and laughed
I’m going to start naming the wrinkles on my face like they do hurricanes.