Dan Carney
@DanManCarney
comedian, actor, writer ✉️: [email protected]
I want to be the trophy husband for a WNBA player
I’m on a date with a dominatrix and every time I ask her what that’s like she kicks me in the balls
imagine if twitter had a "nope somebody already tweeted that... try again" feature 😭
imagine if twitter had a "nope somebody already tweeted that... try again" feature 😭
Using “I wouldn’t be embarrassed to be caught with you at a Coldplay concert” at the bars tn
Releasing the Epstein list on the Jumbotron at a Coldplay concert
How a Coldplay concert feels before you’re on the Jumbotron
I caught my wife cheating on me at a Logic concert while he was playing the don’t kill yourself song
Married CEOs can't even hug and romantically sway with their married head of HR during a Coldplay concert anymore because of woke
I lowkey believe Jennifer Garner when she talks about capital one
One of my fantasies is seeing Brian Cox on the train and offering him my seat and him refusing and calling me a slur
(Meeting a guy for the first time) you’re my best friend man
There was a time not long ago where eating $16 worth of Taco Bell would kill you