Ambassador Dave

I was a kid with opinions, but I kept my mouth shut while I was still smackable. This is good advice if anyone knows any children.

Pro tip: If there's a toilet in your dream, don’t use it.

Not trying to hate on talkative people but please shut the fuck up.

This is it. This is life the one you get so go and have a ball

At the grocery store I smell things and squeeze things so people think I know what I’m doing. They’d be happier if it was the food, though.

People love it when you talk to them on flights you should definitely do that.

“This is so much worse than I thought it would be” ~me, wherever I go

Why yes, I do enjoy classical music. Bugs Bunny and the red monster, swans and the duck, and viking Elmer Fudd are some of my favorites.

🚨BREAKING: American wrestling legend Hulk Hogan has died at age 71

Proportional response?

Over 20 years ago I held up my end of a chain letter, and to this day my family doesn’t know I saved their lives.

you’re not gonna like what I have to tell you about the kitchen then..

I spent a lot of time as a teenager saying, “He worships melodic hooks more than the devil, Mom.”

Sea salt is bullshit. It's all salt

Most toothpaste isn't even made out of real teeth anymore.

I love traveling to experience other cultures! The experience:

My parasites after my fifth Jim Beam

People who always tell the truth are masters of disillusion

Me: *sprinkles grass seed on patch of dirt* Surrounding Grass: Nope, sorry that soil is NOT good enough. Me: Oh no, what can I do? Grass: Sadly, probably nothing. That crack in your patio looks PERFECT though!