Jerry Lock
@jlock17
If you’re thinking you’re too cool to boogie, boy, oh boy, have I got news for you.
Oscillating fans, for people who want to feel cool but not all the time.
You know what else is the same? Pasta. Whether it's a long string or a little elbow it's all the same pasta.
My advice is to choose a charming hobby that no one can hold against you.
It’s your dad’s funeral and a chimpanzee shows up with lab results that say it shares 98% of your DNA and wants to contest the will.
When you breathe and your nose is a little stuffed up and it sounds like the wind whistling through the buildings of an abandoned ghost town
Most people don’t know that when you walk into a Dollar General you are essentially walking into international waters. There is no law or police force to protect you. Pure lawlessness.
The Wheels on the Bus was written in 1937 but motorised buses date back to the 1890s. There was a forty year period where people were just getting on buses with no idea of what was going to happen.
You were playing hide and seek, but no one found you, which gave you time to read.
I wouldn’t have wanted to be a cowboy in the old Wild West, but I think I would’ve been good at organizing posses.
Over 20 years ago I held up my end of a chain letter, and to this day my family doesn’t know I saved their lives.
Do you ever change fragrances of deodorant then all day feel like someone is sneaking up on you?
I started calling all my coworkers “chef” so I don’t have to remember their names, and no, we don’t work in a restaurant.
They should be called "boxing mittens,” but I guess gloves are scarier.
I’m Southern, but not, been Tased in a Bingo Hall, Southern.
The New Cat, His Frantic Human, and the Very, Very Good Hiding Place.
I don’t care that you don’t care about the Coldplay kiss-cam scandal.
People sit up and take notice when you tell them you took Hamburglar for your foreign language requirement.
I bet my friend I could remember how to write an uppercase cursive Q, so now she's ordering chicken for her Caesar salad.
Take your lover away to a place where you can be anonymous and discreet, you know, somewhere that has a Jumbotron.
If aliens visit, I hope they judge us by our dogs and not our politicians.