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Got any plans for tonight? Me:

Baking and/or burning my cares away.

I go back to work tomorrow. (Teacher) Send memes, pet pics, designer handbags, and Xanax. Please and thank you.

I don’t need a pill to help me last longer in bed. I could stay in bed all day.

When you breathe and your nose is a little stuffed up and it sounds like the wind whistling through the buildings of an abandoned ghost town

This crispy Diet Coke and these chocolate doughnuts will give me the empowerment I need.

i root so hard for some of you *not you though, i don’t like you

Laugh all you want. My Encyclopedia Britannica set will never require WiFi.

You're turning me curmugdeon.

The thing about starting over is you get to start over

You’re in her DMs. I’m in bed at 7:30.

I have a major hug deficiency.

You fake orgasms. I fake interest. Which is the more useful life skill?

You're in his DMs, I'm in his therapist's notes We are not the same

When he’s funny, snacky, and holds my face when he kisses me. Me:

One day you’re young and fun and the next you’re saying, “I wonder how old this tree is.”

PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture.

Hoes before bros. Unless the bro has fries, and in that case the hoes gotta go.

I can’t remember any of my passwords but I can remember song lyrics from 1985