AndyrealAlu™️

Facebookers trying to use twitter

After 8 years of tapping my phone all the FBI got was 579 recordings of me ordering a pepperoni pizza.

Thank you universe for reminding me that I am in fact NOT tripping

Wait.... people go camping by choice? I figured they had all lost a bet

My wife thinks I don't know that she's giving me things to do just to keep me out of her hair. And she was just lying there on the bed grunting something about needing towels and hot water. Whatever. I'll get to it.

After careful consideration, I think I'm finally ready to start avoiding people again.

Have you ever noticed that, everyone values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.

I'm never more offended than when a dog growls at me.

I can still touch my toes without groaning! Flirting in your 50's is easy.

If you are looking for a serious mistake to learn a lesson from, I'm always available.

2.

12.

10.

My bucket list of places I’d like to go this summer: - My bed. - My comfy chair. - To sleep.

Carrots may be good for your eyes, but booze will double your vision

I’m going to the zoo today if you guys want anything.

Your girlfriend is telling you a story and she says ok for example let's say you are handsome Are you still in coma?

I prayed for you all this morning... some I had to pray a little harder for because you need all the help you can get.

You believe everything you read on the internet and it shows.

I deleted Facebook, LinkedIn, and Instagram because I got depressed reading about great relationships, big promotions and fabulous vacations, but I’ll never delete twitter cause it’s an endless tale of misery and despair.

I don't want much . . . like most Americans, I just want less to do, more time to do it in, and higher pay for not getting it done.