𝕊𝕦𝕟𝕕𝕒𝕖_𝔾𝕦𝕣𝕝

My boyfriend texted; "I'm leaving you" and waited several minutes followed by, "after lunch to go shopping with my brother." I texted him back, "Remind your brother to come over later for a hand job," followed minutes later with, "searching and working on his resume."

My niece asked me what a ‘dilemma’ is and I explained, “say you’re talking with Donald Trump and Elon Musk when a mosquito lands on each of their faces simultaneously. That’s a dilemma.”

Now that Matt Gaetz is out of Congress maybe they’ll be able to resume, "Take Your Daughter To Work" day.

If a woman is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, do you think: A) She’s a prude and not right for you? B) She need more time to get used to that level of openness? C) She should have sat somewhere else on the train?

Hillary’s inbox has been probed more times than an alien abduction victim at Area 51.

Tulsi heading national intelligence is like letting Gwyneth Paltrow command NORAD.

But I really like talking about him.

Trump’s brain right now is just a carousel of betrayal set to Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless the USA.”

It’s not fake, it’s just an alternative arrest.

This is what happens when White House Photoshop interns are paid in Truth Social stock options.

My college sanctioned me when I wrote a column in the student newspaper on BDSM - I got off with just a slap on the wrist.

Trump arresting Obama would be like Wile E. Coyote finally catching the Road Runner.

Hypocrisy is the one sin everybody hates in others and generously forgives in themselves. Republicans have made an art form of it, but don't want us to use their same tactics.

Trump's ankles have become so thick and slow he's named them Eric and Don Jr

Every two or four years we fight over the menu, but the oligarchs own the restaurant. You’ll need to zoom in.

My parrot's last words were, "What the heck is wrong with you?"